Soul-bearing

This is a post I’ve wanted to write for awhile, but haven’t. Fought in my soul. Fought my fingers from writing it. Because it hurt too much to put down, I thought. To admit it out loud. To share these things that well up within me but I fight away, as if it makes them less of thoughts.

But then I read this wonderful, amazing, beautiful, etc. blog post  and I realized I could, even though she basically already said so many things so perfectly that I may just end up repeating things in a less graceful way.

See, there’s this thing that happens all the time, but seem to intensify leaps and bounds during this magical time of year. And by that, I mean: CHRISTMAS.

I love the holidays. Thanksgiving through New Year’s = my favorite stretch of the year. I would live it 365 if possible. I love the music, the spirit, the shopping (mostly), the parties, the food…you get the idea. But there’s an underbelly to the holidays that I hate that I get sucked up into.

It’s the desire for someone special to share the holidays with.

When it became a thing feel like poo at Christmas because you have no one to kiss under the mistletoe, I don’t know. I blame those “Every Kiss Begins with Kay” commercials. But I get sucked up into it every stinkin’ year. I resist for awhile and tell myself, “This year, I’ll be juuusssttt fine.” And then the first holiday party happens (you know, the one where everyone else has a significant other except you) and I find myself not just fine and eating a bowl of peppermint ice cream (for the holidays, ya know?).

It already happened to me this year before I went to a party. I was thinking about an annual get-together my family has with dear friends and remembered that every year I think to myself, “This time next year, I’ll be bringing a boyfriend.” I tell myself that to get me through the current year. It makes it seem OK for the moment.

But it’s not. It’s not OK that I tell myself that just to make it through. Because that is not what my life is all about.

What will I miss along the year if I am just constantly telling myself soothing things that’ll change eventually? Because what if it doesn’t and I’ve wasted time saying “Eventually” instead of “I’ll devote myself to other things instead and be myself and happy and full of life all the time.”

Because I have Someone who understands. And there’s a divine, beautiful reason I am where I am in life. It’s not that He’s forgotten about me while He was busy setting all my dear friends up with their other half. I tell myself that that’s the case sometimes, but that’s a lie. A straight-up lie.

He gave me a purpose just as much as He’s given them. My opportunities are basically limitless at this point–I could do so many things, make such a difference in the world. But I hold myself back because I keep repeating the “well, next year things will be different” argument. And maybe it will be different next year and I’ll have a boyfriend, but I cannot put my life on hold because of the “next year” thought.

I need to follow Him. See what He has for me NOW in this season of my life, not the next or the one after that. I’ve been delaying following for so long. Too scared to give up and feel like it’d be abandoning something. But all the time the only thing I was abandoning was His purpose for me in the here-and-now.

So here I go. I’ll keep you all posted. Because there’s more out there for me, and I’m about to find out what it could be. I’ll leave with this beautiful thought from CS Lewis (AKA my favorite writer, no questions asked). Oh, and Merry Christmas. 🙂

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Thoughts from this single lady (& confessions & resolutions)

Aside

5 thoughts on “Thoughts from this single lady (& confessions & resolutions)

  1. So much brave here! I SO understand so much of this– the “eventuallys” and the “next years.” (and let’s face it, the holidays can be rough for this kind of thing.)

    I’m so excited for your resolutions and your realizations. Blessings, friend.

  2. jacquelinegardner says:

    I am so glad you are my friend. And that we have both survived and lived to tell about our wonderful homeschooling adventures. =)

  3. Pingback: Being OK With Being Single | #dayinthelifeofmolls

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